If you have been diagnosed with BPD and want to read about it but aren't ready to read about or deal with it from the point of view
of non borderlines please go to my other website BPD From The Inside Out
September 7, 2007 "Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze - Recovery For Non Borderlines" Audio Program by A.J. Mahari
A.J. Mahari speaks from the heart and from experience to those Non Borderlines who need to end
their relationship with someone with BPD. She also speaks directly to those who may have ended
a relationship but are still having trouble letting go and who may still be more focused on
the borderline to the point that it is not good for their own mental health.
Please click the "add to cart" button below to Purchase This Audio Program - "Breaking
Free of The Borderline Maze - Recovery For Non Borderlines" - 1 Hour & 25
minute Audio Program By A.J Mahari" $9.99
Please click the "add to cart" button below to Purchase This Audio Program -
"Understanding BPD and Applying DBT Skills To Coping With
The Borderline In Your Life - Audio By A.J Mahari" $6.00
Or Please Click the "add the cart" button below to
Purchase "The Other Side of Borderline Personality Disorder"
Ebook and the 2 audio progams "Understanding BPD and Applying DBT Skills To Coping With The Borderline In Your Life - and "Borderline
Abandonment and Its Impact in Relationships For Non Borderlines" By
A.J Mahari" $18.50
Click on the "add to cart" button below to Purchase This Audio
Program - "Abandonment
and Its Impact on Relationships for Non Borderlines
- Audio By A.J Mahari" $6.50
In her video clip below, A.J. Mahari welcomes you to nonborderline.com and talks a bit about an up-coming ebook and the reality
of being a person (non borderline) on the other side of BPD.
Keep checking back for more here if you are a non borderline. I will be sharing more about my non borderline experiences,
both from my past even when I had BPD, and subsequent to recovering from BPD.
September 11, 2007 AVAILABLE NOW - "Full Circle - Lessons For Non Borderlines" A.J. Mahari shares all that
she learned as a non borderline in a relationship with a borderline - from her perspective as a recovered
borderline -- A profoundly illuminating and important read for every non-borderline.
The quest of the non borderline is truly the journey of the yellow brick road. Not unlike Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz,
the non borderline is looking for the kind of truth, answers, and understanding that will lead home - all of which can and will
result in the Kansas of their own original mental health. The Kansas of a more stable and peaceful way of relating to self and others
that does not engage borderline chaos, whether one stays in relationship to a borderline, or not. A Kansas of arriving
back home to find out that, in spite of everything with the borderline, you truly never really left home. You still have you. If you
are in the midst of borderline chaos now and you aren't sure if you know yourself anymore, breathe, it will be okay. Take
it one moment at a time until you are sure you know what you need. As soon as you know what you need then you can
start to make plans to implement the necessary action. Listen to your head, not your heart at this juncture of the journey on
the yellow brick road.
I will have some new articles just for nons up here soon. I will also be writing about the reality of narcissism as it unfolds
within BPD and putting up some information about Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) as well. BPD and NPD are not
one in the same. However, they can co-exist in a given individual. However, that said, not everyone with BPD has NPD, and yet
they can still be narcissistic. Much more coming soon.
What or Who is a Non Borderline?
A non borderline is anyone who is or has been in an relationship with someone diagnosed with
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those diagnosed with BPD
are referred to as borderlines hence those in relationship to them
who do not have BPD are known as non borderlines.
The term, non borderline
or nonbp are used interchangeably and are also applied to the parents
of a borderline, siblings of a borderline, friends of a borderline, children
of a borderline and so forth.
Why are there web sites like this one aimed at and for non borderlines?
I mean, if they aren't borderline and they don't have BPD, what's the big deal right? Wrong!
Borderline Personality Disorder firstly affects those diagnosed with it.
However, because the disorder so severly impacts relating and attachment
which form the basis for relationships styles BPD greatly effects those
who relate to a borderline.
It has been said by some
that, in fact, to be a non borderline, and to have had (or be in) a significant
other relationship (or have a family member with BPD), should be coined
'non borderline syndrome' or something similar because there are
commonalities too great to ignore that are experienced by non borderlines
that are impacting and signifcant health and mental health risks and all
from the effects of the borderline and what transpires in the relationship.
Enmeshment is a common
challenge in these relationships, whether it is just the borderline who enmeshes
or both the borderline and the non borderline. Chemical dependence on the
part of many borderline personality disordered people is another factor that
often initiates a co-dependent enmeshed style of relating.
Fear of abandonment is a
paramount challenge for most every person diagnosed with BPD. It is
one of the most central issues that places an enormous burden on the nonbp
partner of a borderline and often results in ignoring important issues, giving
in and submissive behavior on the part of the non borderline trying to help
allievate borderline suffering. This over the long term is just one way that
a parent (non borderline) to child (borderline) dynamic gets set up in
these often very traumatic, stormy, and intensely unstable relationships.
The chaos, storms, and intensely unstable elements being brought to
bear in these relationships mainly from the borderlline - and more specifically
the borderline's need to avoid even any hint of possible abandonment.
Some Quick Reference Points about Borderlines in Relationships
Most borderlines have a pervasive lack of
self-esteem resulting from inner beliefs of worthlessness that were formed in
a defensive reaction to the loss of self experienced during the core wound of
abandonment suffered by most, if not all with BPD, and the subsequent arrest in emotional
development.
Many borderlines need (relationally) to be in the
sick, martyr, or victim role.
They strongly need to seek
gratification and validation from others because they lack a self from which to validate,
or soothe themselves.
Many borderlines end up shutting down of
emotions and feelings resulting as a defense against abandonment depression and abandonment
fear and end up with a cold distant and often angry or aloof affect that results in emotional numbness.
Borderlines have a great need to control
others as a means of trying to control themselves because they have no sense of where
they end and the non borderline begins. Borderlines often exercise this need to control everyone and
every thing around them (the environment even where possible) through passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.
Non borderlines need to aware that
behind the borderline's (seemingly) intense caring for another person can be a hidden need for power and control
that has its roots in trying to re-do their pasts and in trying to resolve old unresolved wounds from childhood usually
in relation to one or both parents. This is the same power drive that underlies all addictions.
The non borderline, in response, all-too-often gives up his/her own personal power in attempts to get along
with the borderline and in attempts to have some peace. It's the go-along to get-along song.
Many non borderlines find themselves in codependent relationships with borderlines.
In codependency, the power drive manifests itself as the need
to control the behavior of another person. It takes the form of
rescuing, worrying or obsessing over the other person. Mental
energy is used to try to control the other person thus ignoring
personal responsibility for one's own problems. At its root is distorted thinking.
Important Awareness Points For Non Borderlines about Side-Stepping Co-Dependent Behaviour include:
Stand up and
speak assertively when threatened.
Say "No", state firm
boundaries and where you draw your line, implement, and hold the
boudaries when they are challenged and be consistent.
Have an announced plan that you will
leave the situation if and when your boundaries
are not respected - and then be sure to consistently to that.
Shield yourself against
the negative energy of name-calling, ridicule, and any and all other forms
of abuse by setting a zero tolerance policy and by enforcing it.
To use techniques
of self-soothing when you are upset and to take space from the borderline.
To identify and
name feelings and use 'I' statements when appropriate
To express your feelings
appropriately when threatened but refrain from doing so when it's not safe.
Ensure that you do not let
the borderline invalidate or discount your feelings.
Express your anger
in safe and productive ways during calmer times with the borderline to increase
the chances that you wiull be heard and to ensure you keep a healthy self esteem.
Behaviour that the Non Borderline does not want
to engage in or match.
Any narrowing of your personal
interests that result in you intensely focusing on the relationship.
Trying to change, rescue or
control your borderline partner.
Be careful not to fall into emphasizing "working
on the relationship" to the point that it becomes a life style all on its own - and one that is
usually associated with constant chaos and/or conflict, especially if and when the borderline
doesn't feel that you are doing what he/she wants you to..
Allowing yourself to be drawn into the
constant crises of the borderline who is attempting albeit inappropriately to gain and hold
your undivided attention to meet his/her narcissistic needs.
Do not have a standing committment
to remaining in the relationship if it is becoming too destructive.
Do not let the high level
of suffering of the borderline manipulate you into becoming a master of martyrdom.
Do not compromise or
sacrifice your own needs orl interests to placate the borderline who wants you to just meet
his/her needs 24/7.
Non Borderlines can step off the emotional rollercoaster of chaos and often abuse from the borderline in
their life.
I will be writing some new articles here very soon to give you
more food for thought about this. So, please keep checking back.
No reproduction in whole or in part without written consent of A.J. Mahari. To seek permission to re-produce anything on
this site or to link anything on this site please email me at non_borderline - I do not give my consent for anything I've
written to be re-produced on any other website without my expressed permission. If you wish to link to an article I've written please
link directly to the article page on this site - thanks so much!
